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As they started to clean it off... I went over to my wife, kissed her gently on the lips, and said, "Darling, I love you very much. You just gave birth to a lizard." - Bill Cosby
Last month, my wife gave birth. Luckily, the baby wasn't in the lizard family because it would have been a brontosaurus. My sweet, little baby girl was a staggering 10 pounds, 11 ounces. As I stared into the nursery, eyeing all the other tiny, newborn boys and girls, my father's heart welled with pride as I realized that my Amazonian daughter could easily beat up any of these little, scrawny babies. Unfortunately, my wife wouldn't let her fight any of the other infants so we'll never know for sure.
I guess the obstetrician that delivered our baby felt badly that my wife had been forced to deliver such a large baby because the next day he dropped by the hospital. He tried to comfort my wife by telling her that (I am not making this up.) "your body was made to deliver large children." Now, I have been known to say some stupid things to my wife, but not even on my stupidest day in the midst of a massive brain seizure, would I have ever contemplated telling her that her body was made to deliver large children. He might just as well have told her that her body was designed for hauling firewood and large buckets of water back to the cave.
I was surprised that an obstetrician, who had spent nearly half his life studying about women, could have made such a rookie mistake. Apparently, beneath the polished veneer of ten years of medical school, lurks a coarse, primal male frantically trying to break through the patina of gentility and say something incredibly stupid. In other words, he's just like every other guy. Somehow, his blunder was strangely comforting.
As long as women keep having babies, guys are going to keep saying stupid things. Both actions are genetic imperatives. Guys who take the time to familiarize themselves with the following list will still say something stupid, but at least they'll have to think of something original.
TOP 15 THINGS NOT TO SAY DURING CHILDBIRTH
1. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Demi Moore had a baby!"
2. "Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth."
3. "Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?"
4. "I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes."
5. "If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball."
6. "That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?"
7. "When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar."
8. "Let's see if they'll let us take one of these hospital gowns for you to wear around the house."
9. "You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment."
10. "This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy."
11. "Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?"
12. "Stop your swearing and just breathe."
13. "Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words."
14. "Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there."
15. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."
ATTENTION NEW AND OLD DADS!
(Midwives & Birthing Moms Too!)
As a midwife of nearly 30 years, I have had some dads say and do some really bone-headed things to their dear wives or partners during labor and birth. Most of the dads survived, even if they did have a permanent limp afterward. I always try to forewarn dads before labor starts that the things your wife/partner may say to you during the intensity of having a baby, she really doesn't mean (well at least most of the time). I always tell them that as she reaches transitional labor (just before the pushing stage) she may bring up things about you, your family, your parentage and something about you being the product of a female canine, or other choice words, sometimes about certain parts of your anatomy that, hopefully, she isn't holding in a death grasp onto during a contraction. However, I tend to ignore most of the comments from both sides and concentrate on the work that needs to be done, so I have forgotten many of the really good ones over the years (I can't remember jokes either, no matter how good they are!).
So with this in mind, I would like to extend an invitation to new and old fathers to help educate the new fathers-to-be and let them know how to survive through the birth process with their legs, bodies and their family jewels intact.
If you have said something stupid to your wife/partner during childbirth and survived the experience, I would love to hear from you and I would like to include it here. Let's see this page grow. Humor heals all wounds, including gunshot wounds. Please e-mail me and I would be happy to add it to this page. I would love to see it grow. I can wait until you have healed and been released from the hospital ICU to receive your submission. Of course, include your name and the state where you live so I can give you credit.
MoonDragon2@aol.com
Put "Labor Comments" in the subject line of the e-mail so I don't delete it by mistake.
MoonDragon's Pregnancy Information Index
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