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DESCRIPTION
Abuse includes different behaviors (physical, sexual, psychological and emotional forms) that are used to establish power and control the victim, who is most frequently a woman. Often, because of shame or guilt, the victim does not report the abuse to authorities or talk about it with family or friends. Abuse can occur in any race, age group, economic or educational level, or nationality. Domestic Abuse is primarily found with a male abuser and a female victim. However, we do know that women abuse men and same-sex partners also can have abuse-victim relationships. This information can be applied to any of these situations. To keep things simplified, any references to gender-victim-abuser will be kept with the most frequently encountered situation of female-victim and male-abuser.
MEN AND ABUSE - THE OTHER SIDE: ABUSE IS NOT EXCLUSIVE
By Jamie Sue Farris
It is a topic not discussed much for a variety of reasons. Men are ashamed and women don't always think that it happens. Police officers snicker at the reports and others still can't understand how it could take place... it is abuse, men abusing men or women abusing men, men can be victims too. For a long time men undergoing abuse at the hands of dominate, controlling women was hidden. The idea of a man being unable to defend himself to a woman is one that many find ridiculous until you understand that abuse is about control and power not brute strength.
Women who abuse often can hide it better because so few men are willing to step up and report the act of abuse. They are afraid that people will either not believe them or will laugh. The bottom line is that abuse is abuse whether you are a man or a woman. No one has the right to beat on you.
Until the late 80's and early 90's there were few groups to help male victims of abuse. Now, more men are stepping up to report abuse. What's better is that more and more police departments and officers are taking this problem seriously and instituting sensitivity training to help them deal with this uneasy issue. Many men deal with the stigma of a macho image and so are afraid to say anything. You can spot an abused man easily most of the time though. His wife is controlling, he is trying to meet her every need and he is the one ushering the kids around so that "mother" can not be bothered. The abuse here is different only in the sex of the victim. The game is the same, late night arguments, insults, degrading and finally physical blows.
Many women feel comfortable hitting their men because they realize that they will not hit back and even go so far as to use that they will call the police if they do. It is a trap not matter where you turn.
Men if you are being abused, say something. You have a right not to be abused either. The stigma is less now and there are groups and individuals that will help. Tell someone now.
FREQUENT SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS
In Female Victims:
- Physical injuries to the body including broken bones, bruises, burns, choking, bites and rape. Most injuries are inflicted on the head, neck, chest, abdomen and breasts. Injuries occur on the arms which are used to deflect the blows.
- Other symptoms may include chronic pelvic pain, sexual dysfunction, feelings of anxiety, sleep disorders, depression, post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), eating disorders, psychological problems, extremely low self-esteem and self-worth, and thoughts of suicide.
In Male Abuser:
- Angry, suspicious, tense and moody behaviors. Sometimes can be extremely charming. They alternate periods of abuse with periods of affection.
- May demonstrate pathological jealousy, fear of abandonment, lack of assertiveness, possessiveness and fear of dependence.
- Watches wife closely; keeps her way from her friends, family, social interactions with neighbors, acquaintances, strangers. Isolation. Controls finances and keeps her financially dependent upon him.
- Makes threats of violence; displays violence; may play with guns or knives. May have history of violence toward women with hitting, choking, pushing, burning, kicking, or other means of assault. Often uses name calling, head games, and psychological manipulations to keep her in fear and "on the edge."
CAUSES
There are a number of theories as to why domestic abuse occurs and how it evolves. Researchers are still looking for answers. The same characteristics and risk factors that describe abusers also describe many men (and women) who do not become abusive.
Abusers and victims often have a past of being abused, especially in childhood. Victims of incest, rape, domestic violence at the hand of parental-like figures. Victims will often develop relationships with abusers similar to those they experienced in childhood.
It's All About Trying to Control
From About.com
Whether alcohol and drug abuse is a factor or not, domestic violence and abuse is a very serious problem -- for the victims and the abusers. Although statistics seem to indicate some link between alcohol/drug abuse and domestic violence, others believe that they are two separate issues. Domestic abuse is not so much about a "loss of control" as it is about total control!
Ironically, many batterers do not see themselves as perpetrators, but as victims. This reasoning is common among batterers. Most enter treatment programs heavily armored with elaborate denial systems designed to justify or excuse their actions.
The Abuse Cycle:
According to the Women's Issues and Social Empowerment (WISE) of Australia, the issues of power and control are essential to an understanding of Domestic Violence. "Domestic Abuse occurs in relationships where conflict is the continuous result of power inequality between the partners and one partner is afraid of, and harmed by the other," they say. Although it can vary from case to case, and doesn't take into account other forms of domestic abuse, WISE uses the "Cycle of Violence" as a model for understanding violent behavior. A simplified version of the cycle is on this page (see below), but briefly they are:
- Build-Up Phase - The tension builds.
- Stand-Over Phase - Verbal attacks increase.
- Explosion Phase - A violent outburst occurs.
- Remorse Phase - You shouldn't have pushed me, it was your fault!
- Pursuit Phase - It will never happen again, I promise.
- Honeymoon Phase - See, we don't have any problems!
This cycle concerns actual physical abuse. It does not take into account other forms of domestic abuse that are used to control, such as sexual abuse, verbal abuse, psychological and emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, economic abuse and social abuse.
Getting Help:
There are very few resources available for batterers, but generally speaking many only seek help when ordered by the courts to do so, and most states spend no tax dollars on treatment for batterers, usually offering only incarceration in jail or prison as a solution. Putting the abuser in jail will stop the violence, but usually only temporarily since no treatment is available. The problem is, involvement of the police and incarceration can actually trigger greater violence in some cases.
The threat of physical harm plus the economic and physical isolation they usually find themselves in, makes getting help even more difficult for the victims of domestic abuse. Simply leaving can provoke more and greater violence. Our next article will look at options available for those seemingly trapped in a violent relationship.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Why Batterers Do What They Do: Many see themselves as victims...
RISK INCREASES WITH
A history of family abuse. The male abuser and often the female victims witnessed abuse as they grew up and/or were victims themselves.
Abusers are men who tend to use alcohol or drugs, frequently are unemployed, and are less educated (however many educated professional men are abusers).
Males who are dependent on women, have financial worries, feelings of inadequacy and have traditional attitudes, particularly about sex.
Females lacking self-esteem and females who feel dependent and useless.
Pregnant females. Abuse is often a factor in miscarriages.
PREVENTIVE MEASURES
To stem domestic violence, a united effort is necessary for society to deal with the roots of the problem.
Women should seek help at the first sign of abuse and not assume that the abuser will change or the abuse will stop.
EXPECTED OUTCOME
With the increased public awareness of the problem and availability of support systems, more women are seeking help early.
HOW VICTIMS ARE AFFECTED BY ABUSE
By Sam Vaknin
Repeated abuse has long-lasting, pernicious and traumatic effects such as panic attacks, hyper-vigilance, sleep disturbances, flashbacks (intrusive memories), suicidal ideation, and psychosomatic symptoms. The victims experience shame, depression, anxiety, embarrassment, guilt, humiliation, abandonment, and an enhanced sense of vulnerability.
In "Stalking - An Overview of the Problem" (Can J Psychiatry 1998;43:473–476), authors Karen M Abrams and Gail Erlick Robinson write:"Initially, there is often much denial by the victim. Over time, however, the stress begins to erode the victim's life and psychological brutalization results. Sometimes the victim develops an almost fatal resolve that, inevitably, one day she will be murdered. Victims, unable to live a normal life, describe feeling stripped of self-worth and dignity. Personal control and resources, psychosocial development, social support, premorbid personality traits, and the severity of the stress may all influence how the victim experiences and responds to it ... Victims stalked by ex-lovers may experience additional guilt and lowered self-esteem for perceived poor judgment in their relationship choices. Many victims become isolated and deprived of support when employers or friends withdraw after also being subjected to harassment or are cut off by the victim in order to protect them. Other tangible consequences include financial losses from quitting jobs, moving, and buying expensive security equipment in an attempt to gain privacy. Changing homes and jobs results in both material losses and loss of self-respect."
Surprisingly, verbal, psychological, and emotional abuse have the same effects as the physical variety (Psychology Today, September/October 2000 issue, p.24). Abuse of all kinds also interferes with the victim's ability to work. Abrams and Robinson wrote this (in "Occupational Effects of Stalking", Can J Psychiatry 2002;47:468–472):"... (B)eing stalked by a former partner may affect a victim's ability to work in 3 ways. First, the stalking behaviors often interfere directly with the ability to get to work (for example, flattening tires or other methods of preventing leaving the home). Second, the workplace may become an unsafe location if the offender decides to appear. Third, the mental health effects of such trauma may result in forgetfulness, fatigue, lowered concentration, and disorganization. These factors may lead to the loss of employment, with accompanying loss of income, security, and status."
Still, it is hard to generalize. Victims are not a uniform lot. In some cultures, abuse is commonplace and accepted as a legitimate mode of communication, a sign of love and caring, and a boost to the abuser's self-image. In such circumstances, the victim is likely to adopt the norms of society and avoid serious trauma.
Deliberate, cold-blooded, and premeditated torture has worse and longer-lasting effects than abuse meted out by the abuser in rage and loss of self-control. The existence of a loving and accepting social support network is another mitigating factor. Finally, the ability to express negative emotions safely and to cope with them constructively is crucial to healing.
Typically, by the time the abuse reaches critical and all-pervasive proportions, the abuser had already, spider-like, isolated his victim from family, friends, and colleagues. She is catapulted into a nether land, cult-like setting where reality itself dissolves into a continuing nightmare. When she emerges on the other end of this wormhole, the abused woman (or, more rarely, man) feels helpless, self-doubting, worthless, stupid, and a guilty failure for having botched her relationship and "abandoned" her "family". In an effort to regain perspective and avoid embarrassment, the victim denies the abuse or minimizes it.
No wonder that survivors of abuse tend to be clinically depressed, neglect their health and personal appearance, and succumb to boredom, rage, and impatience. Many end up abusing prescription drugs or drinking or otherwise behaving recklessly.
Some victims even develop Post-Traumatic tress Disorder (PTSD).
POSSIBLE COMPLICATIONS
Years of emotional and physical abuse.
Death of the abused victim.
Killing of abuser.
POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER (PTSD)
By Sam Vaknin
(I use "she" throughout this article but it applies to male victims as well)
Contrary to popular misconceptions, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Acute Stress Disorder (or Reaction) are not typical responses to prolonged abuse. They are the outcomes of sudden exposure to severe or extreme stressors (stressful events). Some victims whose life or body have been directly and unequivocally threatened by an abuser react by developing these syndromes. PTSD is, therefore, typically associated with the aftermath of physical and sexual abuse in both children and adults.
One's (or someone else's) looming death, violation, personal injury, or powerful pain are sufficient to provoke the behaviors, cognitions, and emotions that together are known as PTSD. Even learning about such mishaps may be enough to trigger massive anxiety responses.
The first phase of PTSD involves incapacitating and overwhelming fear. The victim feels like she has been thrust into a nightmare or a horror movie. She is rendered helpless by her own terror. She keeps re-living the experience through recurrent and intrusive visual and auditory hallucinations ("flashbacks") or dreams. In some flashbacks, the victim completely lapses into a dissociative state and physically re-enacts the event while being thoroughly oblivious to her whereabouts.
In an attempt to suppress this constant playback and the attendant exaggerated startle response (jumpiness), the victim tries to avoid all stimuli associated, however indirectly, with the traumatic event. Many develop full-scale phobias (agoraphobia, claustrophobia, fear of heights, aversion to specific animals, objects, modes of transportation, neighborhoods, buildings, occupations, weather, and so on).
Most PTSD victims are especially vulnerable on the anniversaries of their abuse. They try to avoid thoughts, feelings, conversations, activities, situations, or people who remind them of the traumatic occurrence ("triggers").
This constant hyper-vigilance and arousal, sleep disorders (mainly insomnia), the irritability ("short fuse"), and the inability to concentrate and complete even relatively simple tasks erode the victim's resilience. Utterly fatigued, most patients manifest protracted periods of numbness, automatism, and, in radical cases, near-catatonic posture. Response times to verbal cues increase dramatically. Awareness of the environment decreases, sometimes dangerously so. The victims are described by their nearest and dearest as "zombies", "machines", or "automata".
The victims appear to be sleepwalking, depressed, dysphoric, anhedonic (not interested in anything and find pleasure in nothing). They report feeling detached, emotionally absent, estranged, and alienated. Many victims say that their "life is over" and expect to have no career, family, or otherwise meaningful future.
The victim's family and friends complain that she is no longer capable of showing intimacy, tenderness, compassion, empathy, and of having sex (due to her post-traumatic "frigidity"). Many victims become paranoid, impulsive, reckless, and self-destructive. Others somatize their mental problems and complain of numerous physical ailments. They all feel guilty, shameful, humiliated, desperate, hopeless, and hostile.
PTSD need not appear immediately after the harrowing experience. It can--and often is--delayed by days or even months. It lasts more than one month (usually much longer). Sufferers of PTSD report subjective distress (the manifestations of PTSD are ego-dystonic). Their functioning in various settings--job performance, grades at school, sociability--deteriorates markedly.
The DSM-IV-TR (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) criteria for diagnosing PTSD are far too restrictive. PTSD seems to also develop in the wake of verbal and emotional abuse and in the aftermath of drawn out traumatic situations (such as a nasty divorce). Hopefully, the text will be adapted to reflect this sad reality.
TREATMENT
STATISTICS ABOUT DOMESTIC ABUSE - DID YOU KNOW THAT:
(From www.letswrap.com and www.janedoe.org)
Approximately 95% of the victims of domestic violence are women. (Department of Justice figures)
Every 9 seconds in the United States a woman is assaulted and beaten.
4,000,000 women a year are assaulted by their partners. Approximately 1.5 million women are raped and/or physically assaulted by an intimate partner annually in the United States.
In the United States, a woman is more likely to be assaulted, injured, raped, or killed by a male partner than by any other type of assailant.
Every day, at least 3-4 women are murdered by boyfriends or husbands in this country.
Prison terms for killing husbands are twice as long as for killing wives.
93% of women who killed their mates had been battered by them. 67% killed them to protect themselves and their children at the moment of murder.
25% of all crime is wife assault. While women are less likely than men to be victims of violent crimes overall, women are 5 to 8 times more likely than men to be victimized by an intimate partner.
70% of men who batter their partners either sexually or physically abuse their children.
Domestic violence is the number one cause of emergency room visits by women.
73% of the battered women seeking emergency medical services have already separated from the abuser.
Women are most likely to be killed when attempting to leave the abuser. In fact, they're at a 75% higher risk than those who stay.
The number-one cause of women's injuries is abuse at home. This abuse happens more often than car accidents, mugging, and rape combined.
Up to 37% of all women experience battering. According to a recent Commonwealth of Massachusetts Fund Report, one-third (31%) of American women report being physically or sexually abused by a boyfriend or husband at some point in their lives.
Battering often occurs during pregnancy. One study found that 37% of pregnant women, across all class, race, and educational lines, were physically abused during pregnancy.
60% of all battered women are beaten while they are pregnant.
34% of the female homicide victims over age 15 are killed by their husbands, ex-husbands, or boyfriends.
2/3 of all marriages will experience domestic violence at least once.
Weapons are used in 30% of domestic violence incidents.
Approximately 1,155,600 adult American women have been victims of one or more forcible rapes by their husbands.
Over 90% of murder-suicides involving couples are perpetrated by the man. 19-26% of male spouse-murderers committed suicide.
When only spouse abuse was considered, divorced or separated men committed 79% of the assaults and husbands committed 21%.
Abusive husbands and lovers harass 74% of employed battered women at work, either in person or over the telephone, causing 20% to lose their jobs.
Physical violence in dating relationships ranges from 20-35%.
It is estimated that between 20% to 52% of high school and college age dating couples have engaged in physical abuse.
More than 50% of child abductions result from domestic violence.
Injuries that battered women receive are at least as serious as injuries suffered in 90% of violent felony crimes.
In 1991, only 17 states kept data on reported domestic violence offenses. These reports were limited to murder, rape, robbery, and serious bodily injury.
More than half of battered women stay with their batterer because they do not feel that they can support themselves and their children alone.
In homes where domestic violence occurs, children are abused at a rate 1,500% higher than the national average.
Up to 64% of hospitalized female psychiatric patients have histories of being physically abused as adults.
50% of the homeless women and children in the U.S. are fleeing abuse.
Family violence kills as many women every 5 years as the total number of Americans who died in the Vietnam War.
The estimated total health care costs of intimate partner violence each year, including medical and mental health care services, is nearly $4.1 billion.
The amount spent to shelter animals is three times the amount spent to provide emergency shelter to women from domestic abuse situations.
In FY 2005, more than 33,000 women, men and children were served by community-based domestic violence programs in Massachusetts. MA DSS-funded Domestic Violence programs provided shelter safe home, emergency safe beds and transitional living programs to over 4500 (4591) women, men and children. Shelters reported that the average length of stay has more than doubled over the past year, primarily due to a shortage of housing. During this period, 5520 individuals were turned away from residential services due to lack of space.
During Fiscal Year 2006, the Massachusetts statewide Domestic Violence Hotline SafeLink answered 21,637 domestic violence calls and another 3,373 calls from people looking for general information on resources available. In addition, local programs responded to thousands of calls to their community-based hotlines.
In the past 12 months (October 2005-September 2006), there were 19 incidents of domestic violence homicide in Massachusetts, resulting in the deaths of 13 women, 7 men and 3 children. Four perpetrators also committed suicide. These murders left 25 children without their mothers, 7 children without their fathers and 2 children without either parent. Of these, 9 children lost a parent who was killed by the other parent.
In the six month period from January 1, 2006 to June 30, 2006, fifteen people were victims of domestic violence homicides in Massachusetts, representing as many domestic violence related homicides as in all of calendar year 2005.
During Calendar Year 2005, 28,760 Orders of Abuse Prevention, commonly referred to as restraining orders or 209As, were issued in Massachusetts: 82% of the defendants wee male. During this same time period, 4,347 adults (88% of whom were men) were arraigned for violating restraining orders.
An overwhelming number of GLBT victims (57%) became homeless in Massachusetts due to the abuse, with a large number (18%) reporting that they lose everything.
Year 2007 Strategies By Custody Experts, Dr. Barry Bricklin & Dr. Gail Elliot - Available in Men's Version or Women's Version.
GENERAL MEASURES
If you are abused:
- Protect yourself, especially the head and abdomen. Get help; if you can, get away from the abuser. Document the abuse with pictures, telling someone or calling 911.
Abuse laws may vary from state to state. If your state doesn't automatically prosecute the abuser, you may have to file a complaint yourself and be willing to follow through on the prosecution of the abuser. This may also involve getting an order of protection (restraining order) against the abuser. This doesn't necessarily "protect you" or make you safer from your abuser, but it does give the law enforcement officers the right to arrest the abuser if he violates the order. Be sure to let law enforcement know if he has a weapon in his possession.
Keep in mind that often times the abuse may get worse after an order is served to the abuser so you will need to take extra precautions in protecting yourself from him. The officers can only arrest him if they catch him in the act of breaking the restraining order. A lot can happen between the time you make the 911 call and the time the officers arrive on the scene.
- Have a personal safety plan established (place to stay, money necessary to get there and survival funds, transportation and clothing and personal essentials packed). Be sure you have these items in a place where the abuser cannot find them and they are easily obtained by you in an emergency situation. Avoid using credit cards or any other means that can be traced by the abuser if you need to escape and go into hiding for a period of time.
- Seek legal help. Police departments and prosecutors practices are rapidly improving in responding to the problems.
- Numerous agencies and shelters for helping abused women and children are available. Call your local crisis line.
Treatment steps for a victim.
- Get medical help for any injuries. Be sure all injuries are documented by medical personnel.
- Counseling is vital. The variety of treatment options will help a woman learn to cope, regain self-confidence and ability to function.
Treatment for the abuser:
- Treatment is often resisted by an abuser. Many are in denial about their anger and abuse problems or feel they have justification for their abuse.
- Educational and treatment groups have had some success for some abusive men. The court system may require they attend anger control or abuse classes as part of their sentencing.
- Most importantly, abusers must be confronted with the results of the behavior and learn that they will go to jail if they don't change.
More in-depth information on domestic violence available from:
- Includes Local Contact Information for the Greater Boston region.
Has important and helpful information about signs and symptoms of abuse, your rights as a victim of abuse, how to protect yourself and local resources for help and counseling.
ON A PERSONAL LEVEL:
As a recovering victim of nearly 38 years domestic abuse beginning in early childhood and extending into and through my marriage relationships, I urge you to seek help. There is help out there. You have to be willing to reach for it and accept it. The abuse cycle can be broken and you can have a life free from this terrifying and dangerous situation. It will not be easy, to say the least. I had to move 3,000 miles away to get away from my last abuser and spent 9 months in shelters and welfare hotels before I was finally able to get a home for myself and my daughter. I also lost my 4 sons to my first husband (one to death a year after getting away from him and the others when he disappeared with them even though we had joint custody of all the children). Abusers will often use your children against you as a means of getting to you. This is what happened to me. This was his way of getting back at me for leaving him.
You may have to take drastic means to escape and obtain your freedom. I encourage every woman to take some training in self-defense and protection. You may have to defend yourself from your abuser and the lives of your children. You may have to move to a new part of the country and start your life over. This may involve leaving family and friends behind you and cutting ties for a time period until you know you are safe. You will most likely take a big financial cut in your income level since most abusers tend to also be the "bread winners" in the family. You may even have to change your names and stay in hiding for some period of time. He may stalk you and threaten your life if he finds you. He may also try to kill you if he does find you. But it is worth the risk involved with getting your freedom and your life back for you and your children.
Abuse doesn't stop, it only gets worse. It can kill you if you stay in an abusive relationship. Abuse is not love. If he hurts you, he does NOT love you. You are nothing more than another "possession" of his. He thinks he owns you. I have seen so many women give in to their abusers with "but I love him" and they will drop legal charges and many times take the abuser back into their lives again. The abuse continues until they are seriously hurt or even murdered by their abusers. Abusers can be very charming when they want to be... very apologetic and humble, full of empty promises and remorse... until they have you back under their "control." Then the abuse continues.
I have been free from this horrible way of life and have been a domestic abuse survivor since September of 1990, but it has been at a price, emotionally, financially, and physically. I now have Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder and other left-over physical health issues that were a part of the trauma I received. Most of all I will never be in another intimate relationship because I do not trust a man not to hurt me. The abuse has left me with serious emotional scars as well as physical ones. I am still coping with the intense rage I feel toward my father and for those men who have assaulted me countless times over the years. I do not trust myself to retain control over that rage if another man ever raises a hand towards me. I have learned to fight back. I do not get afraid anymore, instead... all that anger comes to surface in place of fear. This can be a good thing, not being a victim anymore, but it is also scary since I don't know if I will be able to stop fighting back - to the point of possibly seriously hurting or killing my abuser if it were to happen again.
I am being totally honest about how I feel about my experiences. I do not want to see you reach this level of rage or injury. I escaped with my life. It may be your life and the lives of your children at stake if you do not remove yourself from an abusive, violent relationship. Please, please, I urge you to seek help and get out as quickly as you safely can do so. If you don't do it for you, do it for your children. Abuse has effect on everyone involved. Be a survivor, not a victim or a death statistic. - MoonDragon Midwife.
National 24 hour Hotline (800) 799-SAFE (7233).
www.ndvh.org
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
P.O. Box 18749, Denver, CO 80218-0749
(303) 839-1852
www.ncadv.org
State and local agencies. Consult telephone directory. For the Boston area and the North Shore Region of Massachusetts, visit my web pages on Domestic Violence found at the bottom of this web page.
MEDICATION
Medication may be prescribed for anxiety or depression, but usually not needed.
COUNSELING - THERAPY
THE CONFLICTS OF THERAPY
By Sam Vaknin
Disclaimer: Statistically, the majority of abuse victims are female and most abusers are male. Still, we should bear in mind that there are male victims and female offenders as well. Same sex relationships can also have a partner that is abusive towards the other. Abuse and violence can be found in all economic levels, age groups, cultural, social, and ethnic groups. It is often seen with associated with alcohol and/or drug use/abuse/addiction. It is prevalent in groups of individuals that devalue the opposite sex (such as male-superior-oriented societies) or in groups that are strict, controlling and repressive towards their women and children.
Ideally, after a period of combined tutoring, talk therapy, and (anti-anxiety or antidepressant) medications, the survivor will self-mobilize and emerge from the experience more resilient and assertive and less gullible and self-deprecating.
But therapy is not always a smooth ride.
Victims of abuse are saddled with emotional baggage which often provokes even in the most experienced therapists reactions of helplessness, rage, fear and guilt. Counter-transference is common: therapists of both genders identify with the victim and resent her for making them feel impotent and inadequate (for instance, in their role as "social protectors").
Reportedly, to fend off anxiety and a sense of vulnerability ("it could have been me, sitting there!"), female therapists involuntarily blame the "spineless" victim and her poor judgment for causing the abuse. Some female therapists concentrate on the victim's childhood (rather than her harrowing present) or accuse her of overreacting.
Male therapists may assume the mantle of the "chivalrous rescuer", the "knight in the shining armor" - thus, inadvertently upholding the victim's view of herself as immature, helpless, in need of protection, vulnerable, weak, and ignorant. The male therapist may be driven to prove to the victim that not all men are "beasts", that there are "good" specimen (like himself). If his (conscious or unconscious) overtures are rejected, the therapist may identify with the abuser and re-victimize or pathologize his patient.
Many therapists tend to over-identify with the victim and rage at the abuser, at the police, and at "the system". They expect the victim to be equally aggressive even as they broadcast to her how powerless, unjustly treated, and discriminated against she is. If she "fails" to externalize aggression and show assertiveness, they feel betrayed and disappointed.
Most therapists react impatiently to the victim's perceived co-dependence, unclear messages, and on-off relationship with her tormentor. Such rejection by the therapist may lead to a premature termination of the therapy, well before the victim learned how to process anger and cope with her low self-esteem and learned helplessness.
Finally, there is the issue of personal security. Some ex-lovers and ex-spouses are paranoid stalkers and, therefore, dangerous. The therapist may even be required to testify against the offender in a court of law. Therapists are human and fear for their own safety and the security of their loved ones. This affects their ability to help the victim.
This is not to say that therapy invariably fails. On the contrary, most therapeutic alliances succeed to teach the victim to accept and transform her negative emotions into positive energy and to competently draw and implement realistic plans of action while avoiding the pitfalls of the past. Good therapy is empowering and restores the victim's sense of control over her life.
MASSACHUSETTS
NOTIFY YOUR MIDWIFE OR HEALTH CARE PROVIDER IF...
You or a family member is a domestic violence victim. They can help you in getting you assistance.
You or a family member has been injured during an assault by the abuser.
You are a survivor of abuse and need to find a good therapist to help you recover your life and well-being.
I wish to thank www.suite101.com for the articles I have included in this web page.
- Protecting Your Children From Sexual Predators
From The Crippling Cycle of Abuse
E-mail to MoonDragon2@aol.com
