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MoonDragon's Realm - Parenting Humor


Date: Saturday, November 16 @ 12:43:19 EST
Topic: Daddy Dearest

My boys have watched WWF (World Wrestling Federation) on a couple of occasions, but they realize a more entertaining source of hand to hand combat is exhibited by their infant sister. We have the live event of DDC going on in our house many times per day. This is better known as the Disputatious Diaper Change with our little wrestling wonder.

Apparently, she would simply prefer having her diaper changed say, maybe, once every other day. On those other 20 times we do actually need to change her, she is raring for the challenge.

I've been left holding the proverbial diaper while she escapes my grasp, victoriously thrusts her fist in the air and makes her way around the room, in her birthday suit, high fiving her brothers. When she turns around, flashes a mocking grin and does a few practice drop kicks, I then know she's really trying to rub it in.

She views every attempt to change her diaper as a best two out of three falls. Just when you think you have her she'll perform a crisp one-leg kick out and earn two points for a clean escape. It's when she starts crawling at me and begins to go for a quick double leg takedown that I start to get slightly nervous and head to higher ground.

She truly is a pacifist at heart, but it's this diaper derby sweepstakes that turns her into the Belligerent Baby Wrestling Dynamo.

We've tried distracting her with every conceivable device but she's very resolute with this competition. The distracting strategy actually plays right into her hands. Right when you think that you have her subdued and looking at a new baby rattle, you suddenly realize she was simply playing possum. Without warning she quite adroitly flips over to her stomach, kicks free and with a deft backhand move she removes the partially fastened clean diaper, all the while shuffling away with great speed to a neutral corner. I can certainly wait awhile before she learns to walk. That will undoubtedly add a completely different dimension to her game as she takes it to new heights of elusiveness.

Perhaps I should be even more concerned when I retrieve her from her crib and she's practicing a head lock spin behind takedown on her teddy bear. A cross-face cradle on her doll is her subtle indication to me that I really have no chance.

My wife and I have now resorted to the tag team diaper changing routine. When one of us is literally losing their grip on the situation, a simple hand tag brings in the reserve support troops. Not that this improves our won-lost record a great deal, but it does let us catch our breath.

We're slowly discovering that our greatest hope for success may be trying to delicately change her diaper while she sleeps. This way we wouldn't have to admit defeat to her and we won't have to get so nervous when we see her practice her sweep slide single leg takedown on her stand up Winnie-the Pooh.

Bob Schwartz is a freelance writer who has had humorous essays published in national and regional parenting publications. He also has a weekly slice of life column for a local Michigan newspaper where he resides with his wife Robin and their A team of Adam, Andrew and Amy. He'd welcome your thoughts. Email the author.

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