MoonDragon's Realm - Parenting Humor
WOMEN & THOSE WHO LIVE WITH THEM
SOME FEMININE HUMOR
BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN
OH MY GOD,
I THINK I'M BECOMING
THE MAN I WANTED
GINGER ROGERS DID EVERYTHING
FRED ASTAIRE DID,
BUT SHE DID IT BACKWARDS
AND IN HIGH HEELS
A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG
SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER
IN HOT WATER
I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN
ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW
TO COMBINE MARRIAGE
AND A CAREER
SO MANY MEN,
SO FEW WHO CAN
COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN.
SOME THINGS ARE JUST
DON'T TREAT ME ANY
THAN YOU WOULD
I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN
And I HAVE A GUN
WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE
AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT
OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...
I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME
DO NOT START WITH ME.
YOU WILL NOT WIN
ALL STRESSED OUT
AND NO ONE TO CHOKE
DEFINITION OF STRESS:
THE OVERWHELMING DESIRE TO CHOKE THE LIVING SHIT
OUT OF SOME ASSHOLE WHO REALLY DESERVES IT!
I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE
BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS
TO BAD PEOPLE
I AM ONE OF THOSE WOMEN
YOUR MOTHER WARNED YOU ABOUT!
HOW CAN I MISS YOU
IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
DON'T UPSET ME!
I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES
TO HIDE THE BODIES
IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED,
SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN
BEWARE TO ALL MEN WHO THINK THEY ARE
A KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR...
AND MOST OF ALL...
KEEP A SENSE OF HUMOR!
(I actually wore my clown nose at a birth I did later on this night....
Laughter does help babies be born!)
"Butterfly", my friend and associate.
We were the night bartenders at Salem's Polish Falcons
(Babysitters of drunken "2-year old" alleged adults
And Co-conspirators in Body Removals)
My friend, Tom...
(He is like my adopted little brother)
Goddess/God grant me...
The serenity to accept the things I cannot change...
The courage to change the things I can...
And the wisdom to hide the bodies
Of those people I had to kill
Because they PISSED ME OFF!
A FEW FAMOUS QUOTES FOR WOMEN
An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy. Rudyard Kipling For the female of the species is more deadly than the male. Rudyard Kipling Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. Jan King Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. Lily Tomlin A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. Carrie Snow Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. Laurie Kuslansky Old age ain't no place for sissies. Bette Davis A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. Rhonda Hansome The phrase "working mother" is redundant. Jane Sellman Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. Charlotte Whitton If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. Catherine Aird When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! Kathy Buckley I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I'm also not blonde. Dolly Parton You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. Erica Jong In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man - if you want anything done, ask a woman. Margaret Thatcher I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. Gloria Steinem First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win. Unknown In my humble opinion, non-cooperation with evil is as much a duty as is cooperation with good. Mahatma Gandhi Sojourner Truth, a former slave who walked to freedom, to a heckler, who yelled at her in 1845 that her anti-slavery talk didn't mean anything more to him than an old fleabite: "Maybe not. But the Lord willing, I'll keep you scratching."
WISE WORDS TO MEN
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
Here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80 percent of single women are against marriage.
Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.
MAMMOGRAMS: BOOB POEM
Yes, I did have my mammogram today... Why do you ask?
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out.
MORE WOMEN'S HUMOR
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed.. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,
"Honey, what do you think the neighbors should think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
He said - "Since I first laid eyes on you,
I have wanted to make love to you really badly."
She said - "Well, you succeeded."
He said - "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"
She said - "Turn sideways and look in the mirror."
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
AND THE BEST ONE YET...
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
* She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
* Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
* Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
* Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
* And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
A WOMAN'S PRAYER....
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love, to forgive him;
And Patience, for his moods.
If I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
THINGS WOMEN DON'T SAY
1. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
2. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
3. I think hairy butts are really sexy. (You can also add hairy backs, hairy ears and hairy nostrils to this one!)
4. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
5. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
6. This diamond is way too big.
7. Wow, it really is 10 inches!
8. Does this make my butt look too small?
9. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
10. I think belching is really sexy.
11. I just love your hairy beer belly.
12. Why don't you go out with your friends to see the strippers tonight?
13. I could never be with any other man, but I don't mind at all if you see other women.
14. I insist that you always put your mother before me.
15. I love a good cigar after sex.
16. I think we should spend our life savings and buy a big, old bass boat.
17. Move over, I'm driving. I love city traffic.
18. The smell of oil and gas makes me horny. Let's do it on the workbench.
19. Let's skip that stage show with Mel Gibson and go watch girl's mud wrestling at a bar.
20. Hey, we didn't have sex last night!
21. That shirt doesn't smell bad enough to need washing. Wear it again today.
22. Your buddies tell the best stories. I could listen to them all day.
23. I understand.
24. You don't swear enough.
25. Let's stay at that dirty, old motel on the highway. It's cheaper and we can spend the money we save on beer.
26. Don't fix the toilet, I'll just keep going in the bushes outside.
27. Sure, you can wear your old cowboy boots at our wedding. They go with anything.
28. I think I'll call him up and ask him out.
29. Sleeping with all the guys on the softball team doesn't make that girl a slut! She's just really friendly.
30. I farted again. Lift the covers so we can smell it.
31. Don't dirty a knife or fork, eat with your hands like me.
WOMEN'S HUMOR: TRADING PLACES
By Conroy RN
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
By then, it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. When he ran to the school to pick up the kids, he got into an argument with them on the way home. He set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. I cannot go through another day like that. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
Voted Women's Favorite Email of the Year
WOMEN'S CLEVER ANSWERS TO MEN'S PICK-UP LINES
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter" (or) "Stop."
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you... to leave."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"
WOMEN'S HUMOR LINKS
Tales From The Crib
GoddessGift.com: Musings on the Womanly Sense of Humor
Minnie Pauz: Menopause Humor
Mommarama: Parenting Humor
The World According to a Lady Named Dave
The Real Mom Club
Positive Futures VS: [pf] Women's Humor
Im4Justice: Women Humor
Women's Humor: The Women's Voices... Laughing (A commentary by Kelly Rouse)
Humor & Jokes About Women and Women's Perspectives On Life
Wedding Humor and Jokes at the Global Women's Weddings Guide
Humor at Sunshine for Women
The Real Woman's Way Humor (Plus more of All Types)
Best Humor from the Net: Women's Compact Instruction Book
Amazon.com: The Penguin Book of Women's Humor
Amazon.com: Hormones from Hell: The Ultimate Women's Humor Book
Amazon.com: The Best Contemporary Woman's Humor
MoonDragon's Humor Index
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