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MoonDragon's Realm - Parenting Humor

teenage godzilla


Date: Monday, December 02 @ 09:35:24 EST
Topic: Daddy Dearest

Teenagers. If you will BE one, see if you can't just do your loving, caring, providing parents a favor and skip right from 12 to 20. Do it because you love your parents. If you've ALREADY BEEN one ... chances are you're nothing like the one who lives in your house. If you HAVE one ... leave ... NOW while you still have a chance. If you ARE one, I'm sorry, but I'm bein' paid the big bucks to write about you guys.

We parents of teenagers share much in common with each other. We share pain, joy, heartbreak, frustration. And occasionally, we pull our hair ALL THE WAY OUT. We should have our own support group. If we did, the meetings would go something like this ....
    "Hi, I'm Don, and I'm the parent of a 15-year-old. Last night, my son, who I'll call, Don, Jr. (that's not his real name) came home from school, and well, he went right to his room and did all of his homework and then practiced his trombone. And, well, he did it all without being asked, and I just don't know what to do."

As parents who bond together during this trying time of life, I and my friend Susie Q (the mom of a teenager) have compiled a few thoughts about teenage life that I think we can all appreciate.

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, let us reflect on some of life's truly memorable moments if you're the parent of a teenager.

    You begin all your stories with, "Oh ... My ... Gawd ... have ... you ... heard!!"

    You have to e-mail (or text) your daughter in the next room in order to communicate with her.

    Your wife opens her makeup drawer and it is empty.

    You open the refrigerator, and IT is empty.

    You find yourself putting your palm up to your boss and saying, "Tell it to the hand, cuz the ears ain't listenin'".

    You actually know what a "grip" is. But you can't get one.

    You haven't seen the portable phone since September.

    You haven't seen the remote control since August.

    You haven't been able to get a dial tone since July.

    You can look at a picture of the back of the Backstreet Boys and know them all by name.

    Your wife has actually BECOME her mother.

    You can tell your kid has a bright future as an attorney by listening to her debate who is finer: Matt Damon or Ben Affleck.

    That built-in snapper you used to have on your thumb and forefinger hasn't worked since 1989.

    If you have a daughter who wants to go to band camp just so she can shop.

You might be the parent of a teenager if ...
    The recurring themes at your dinner table deal with assorted bodily functions, uncontrolled emissions, gross noises and other unseemly odors and sounds.

    The three most-repeated words in your house are "Clean ... Your ... Room."

    The next three-most used words in your house are, "Soo ... rree ... DAD."

    The alarm clock in your teenager's room serves no useful purpose whatsoever.

    When the words "tite" and "phat" are spoken in your house, it's actually a GOOD thing.

    Your bath towels turn up missing and months later are found shoved in a darkened corner under your kid's bed.

You might be the parent of a teenager if...
    If you become physically ill when you hear the following, "I NEED THE BATHROOM NOW!!"

    You ARE the parent of a teenager when they look at you like you are from another planet when you try to explain to them why no one will ever be better than the Beatles and the Beach Boys.

    No one has called on the telephone asking for you in seven years.

    Your kids wear stuff from the Gap, by Nike and Doc Martin ... and you buy your clothes at the Trade-a-rama.

    You pack less when you go on a seven-day trip than your kid puts in her backpack in seven seconds.

    You cannot successfully lift your child's backpack.

    Your hernia repair surgery is scheduled for next Monday.

    You actually turn the bass and the volume on your car stereo when you pass by your kid's school so their friends won't think your kid has dork parents.

And ... you may be the parent of a teenager if ...
    Your wife calls her mother on the phone and says, "Mommy, I'm really, really, really, really, really sorry."

To read previous "Life With Dad" columns, Visit the site. Email the author.

A new book, Patterson's Sticky Doorknobs is filled with humorous insights into the situations parents everywhere endure every day. Whether it's playing chauffeur to a 10-year-old, sitting up all night with a sick 7-year-old or embarrassing your teenager, "Sticky Doorknobs" shows us that laughter and life with kids can -- and must -- go hand in hand. Order your copy today.

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