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MoonDragon's Realm - Parenting Humor


Date: Friday, November 29 @ 18:26:02 EST
Topic: House & Home

Fourscore and a whole lotta years more than that, mommies brought forth... children. Conceived while making whoopee and born to the sounds of screaming and cursing the fathers, these children are dedicated to the pursuit of allowance raises, staying up past bed time, and generally making a mess. It is to protect moms everywhere not only from children, but also from those with which we made whoopee, that we set these rights down herewith:

1. Moms retain all IQ points they acquired before staying home to take care of rugrats.

We do not lose brain cells merely because we have decided to stay home full time. Yes, it's nuts to do something like that, but that is called "screwing the pooch" and therefore has nothing to do with being "one Fruit Loop shy of a bowl."

We require all citizens withhold comments such as, "Oh, you don't work?"

We challenge any person, man or woman, to do what we do and withstand what we withstand in a 24-hour period and not require oxygen transfusions or Prozac afterward.

2. It is a God given right that all moms shall have transportation.

It is considered cruel and unusual punishment to not allow a dog out for exercise. Therefore, it is also cruel and unusual punishment to not allow the dog caretaker the same rights as stated. A house without a car in the driveway might as well be a cage to a mother with curtain-climbers in her wake.

3. A day of rest is something the Big Guy set down and moms are not excluded.

We are aware that those who work (for wages) have the weekend to rest from their labors. This however does not mean that we wait on them hand and foot at that time. We who deal with spills, scrapes, splats, screams and shrieks on an average of 14 hours a day should not be required to make beer runs or find the remote for the Barca-lounger infirm.

4. Escape is not only necessary - it is essential.

From time to time in order to keep what sanity we possess, mothers must leave the house. Make that... they must leave the house ALONE. This means the man of the house must take care of his children. The term for this is NOT babysitting. That would infer you are being paid for a job we do gratis. It is our right to leave the house and the children to the men, without them begging for mercy, pleading for guidance, or threatening our lives if we don't return in the time specified.

5. Appreciation is all the payment we get so you had better come across.

Since we receive nothing tangible in the way of compensation for our hard work, it would not only be nice, but a good idea if you ever want to get lucky after 10 pm. Because of us, you work an eight hour job and don't come home to make dinner, monitor homework, break up fights, bathe kids or race them up the stairs to bed. We provide this for you. You provide us with money for groceries and an occasional hug... a foot massage would be nice.

Gritting your teeth and watching a chick-flick with us wouldn't kill you either. Listening to our day after we listen to yours is a gift beyond price. Kids can help by merely not yelling, "He's touching me!" every 5 minutes.

We, the Moms of the world, in order to retain our sanity in an increasingly bizarre world, do hereby lay down these rights and fundamental freedoms entitled to us. We do not ask or cajole or plead or bribe with Mounds Almond bars for these rights, but proudly paste them to your forehead - backwards - so you may see them while brushing your teeth each morning. And we thank you.

Tami Coxen is currently being raised by two sons, one husband and a dog in West Virginia. When she is not hurling laundry or cruising grocery aisles for the perfect porkchop, she can be found writing a weekly humor column in her local paper. Email the author.

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