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MoonDragon's Realm - General Humor
Thirty Minutes To A Cleaner House

messy house


Date: Friday, December 13 @ 12:39:47 EST
Topic: House & Home

You are having company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. What will you do?? Do not try to panic. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for Regular People. If you are a Martha Stewart type of housekeeper, this column is NOT for you. However, for the rest of you, this is your chance to learn 15 Secret Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother never told you (or probably never would want you to use, for that matter).

Secret Tip 1: DOOR LOCKS: If a room clearly can not be whipped into shape in 30 days - much less 30 minutes - employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that you accidentally locked the door and cannot find the key. Of course, the locksmith cannot possibly come until tomorrow. Caution: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom. Time: 2 seconds.

Secret Tip 2: DUCT TAPE: No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it is a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss. Time: 2 to 3 minutes.

Secret Tip 3: OVENS: If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they are a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company is coming. Just do not forget to empty it BEFORE you turn it on! Time: 2 minutes,

Secret Tip 4: CLOTHES DRYERS: Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. Caution: Avoid hiding flammable objects here. Time: 2.5 minutes.

Secret Tip 5: WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS: Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger. Time: 3 minutes.

Secret Tip 6: DUST RUFFLES: No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffle's highest and best use is to hide whatever you have managed to shove under the bed. Use the closets, counter and dresser drawers, boxes under the dining room table (use a long hanging clean table cloth to hide the boxes), cupboards and any other places available to hide the clutter.(Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.) Time: 4 minutes.

Secret Tip 7: DUSTING: The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can dust around. Time: 3 minutes.

Secret Tip 8: DISHES: Do not use them. Use paper plates and plastic utensils and you will not have to. Time: 1 minute.

Secret Tip 9: CLOTHES WASHING (Eewww): this Secret Tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager. When this teen's mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month, the teen discovered you can extend the life of your underwear by two ... if you turn it wrong side out and, yes, rerun it. Caution: This tip is recommended only for teens and those who do not care if they get in a car wreck. Time: 3 seconds.

Secret Tip 10: IRONING: If an article of clothing does not require a full press and your hair does, a curling iron is the answer. In between curling your hair, use the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes. Yes, it really does work, or so I'm told, by other disciples of the 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House philosophy. Time: 5 minutes (including curling your hair).

Secret Tip 11: VACUUMING: Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look. Do not bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no one looks there anyway. Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only.

Secret Tip 12: LIGHTING: The key here is low, low, and lower. It is not only romantic, but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt. If you also have a problem with smell, use scented candles (and stick incense if odor is really strong) that not only provide low lighting, but a delightful scent as well. Time: 10 seconds.

Secret Tip 13: BED MAKING: Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up or not, saving you, oh, hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime. Time: 0 minutes.

Secret Tip 14: SHOWERS, TOILETS & SINKS: Forget one and two. Concentrate on three. A clean sink bowl is better than a clean shower or toilet and is much more obvious. Time: 1 minute.

Secret Tip 15: GUEST SELECTION: If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, do not even think about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home.

Do keep in mind, you will have to go back through and clean up the hidden messes once the guests have left. It is always better to keep things relatively picked up on a daily basis so panic cleaning is not overwhelming in emergencies.

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