MoonDragon's Realm - General Humor
HUMOR - BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS & NEW ENGLAND
YOU MUST BE FROM BOSTON HUMOR
Note: Some of these are written with "Boston" pronunciation.
As a transplant to the Boston-Salem area in 1990 from Southern Oregon (Ashland, to be exact) via a brief stay in Los Angeles (where I was very happy to leave the ex-husband), these are my viewpoints and experiences of Massachusetts, Boston, and New England, in general.
I have lived up and down the west coast and the inter-mountain region of the United States all my life before moving here to Massachusetts. Nothing had prepared me for my relocation experiences. I had to adapt to this region of the country. It has been interesting, to say the least, and a bit of a culture shock and adjustment. I had the opportunity to live in Boston for the first 9 months I was here in Massachusetts. After that, I was able to move to Salem, MA located on the North Shore about 20 miles north of Boston. I have been here in Salem since then.
The first 6 months I was here I could not understand what any of these people were saying... forget about getting directions ("knot stahshun" [north station]...where the hell is "knot stahshun"?). I had to have people spell out names for me. What I saw in the map book and what I heard were totally different things. Forget me trying to pronounce some of the names of cities or streets here.
After all these years of living here, I still cannot pronounce names properly (according to the locals) and I still have to occasionally ask them to spell things for me or explain a particular slang word or phrase, of which they have many. They assume that our slang and language quirks in Oregon are the same ones here. Not so. As an example of this, I was staying at a local hotel and the toilet became plugged. I went to the main desk and asked the desk attendant for a "Johnny Stomper". He gave me this quizzical "What?" look like I was speaking Greek to him. I had to explain that it was a toilet plunger, that thing with the round rubber suction device on the end of a stick used to unplug the toilet (the Johnny). And they say tell me I "have the accent and talk funny" not them... yeah... right!!
I finally have learned to drive here in Massachusetts. I cringe at the thought if I ever go back to Oregon! In Oregon, we only had to worry about cows on the road and old farmers with beat-up pickup trucks and irrigation shovels that stopped suddenly so they could jump out and shovel a ditch full of muddy water for their crops). If I drove in Oregon the way I must drive in Massachusetts, Oregon would lock me up and take away my car keys. They are a bit particular about yield signs, red lights, stop signs, tailgating, and speed limits there.
I have managed to keep my car(s) relatively intact. I had one minor "ding" on the passenger side of my car that occurred when I was making a legal right turn from a single lane (using my turn signals) into a parking lot driveway when a local decided he was going to pass me on the right in the breakdown lane because he was in the "usual hurry".
I have decided NOT to fix this dent since my car has been officially "initiated" by the locals. Once you have a dent, there is less chance you will be hit again. However, if you fix it, you will be hit within a week. Most cars I have seen out here have at least one dent somewhere on the body of the car. It is not surprising to me that Massachusetts has one of the highest car insurance rates in the nation. I also find it interesting that these rates will vary depending on which town or city you live in (for instance Salem is considerably higher in car insurance premiums than the next town over, Beverly... for the exact same coverage. I still have not figured out why, but it is. I could save a bundle by moving across the Salem-Beverly bridge and live 2 miles from where I currently reside.) All (or most) of those great insurance companies that you hear about on the television refuse to cover Massachusetts residents.
I still have not figured out what this "excise tax" is that we have to pay on our cars every year. I have noticed, if they can tax you for it, they will figure out a way to do it.
I have learned to "go with the flow of traffic" on the highways, which is usually about 15 mph above the posted speed limit. I am still in the "slow lane" while others go around me like I am standing still. I have had to become more aggressive with my driving since living here. However, I do use my turn signals and I do stop at yellow lights in preparation for them to turn red, which pisses off the locals to no end (**grin**). I do try my best not to cut off anyone in traffic since I think this is very impolite or rude. However, I have done it a few times, unintentionally. I also know "yield" means and try to drive with some sense of courtesy here. After all, I am NEVER in THAT big of a hurry to go anywhere any more. I like to enjoy the scenery and take my time. Besides, I want to keep my driving points as low as possible for those high car insurance rates.
I hate rotaries and I call them "suicide circles". My first experience with these was when I first arrived here with a large U-haul truck. I got stuck on the rotary for about 20 minutes since I could not get over to the right to make my turnoff (thanks to the locals ignoring my turn signals for a lane change). If you ever saw National Lampoon's European Vacation with Chevy Chase and the scene with him and his family stuck on a rotary in London "Look kids, Big Ben...", "Yeah dad, we know..." - You will know how I felt with my U-Haul truck on the rotary trying to get off it.
I have noticed while driving here that they do not label their streets very well, if at all. They name their alley-ways, even though they are so small and short that I have been known to have longer driveways to my garage or carport. Their street names change randomly without warning and will loop back on itself somewhere along the way. The streets are built on old cow paths without any sense of direction or logic. I was used to the typical north-south-east-west grid (especially after living in Los Angeles or driving in Salt Lake city, Utah)... There is no such thing here. You have to take their word for it that a certain road is "southbound" or "eastbound" on the road sign... however, this doesn't necessarily mean that it is going in that direction, but you only hope that it is and it will eventually get you to where you want to go. On top of it, many streets and roads are mislabeled. They were supposed to be fixed. The state paid big bucks to fix them and when re-investigated, they were still mislabeled with the wrong signs pointing in the wrong direction. "Ya can't get there from here" definitely applies when trying to get around out here.
My first impression of Massachusetts residents (especially in Boston) was one of "oh my stars... they are all a bunch of "perverted, uptight, tensed-up, stressed-out, a**holes" that ran around in trench coats, carrying brief cases and with rude bad attitudes, snarling at best or ignoring you completely. If you stopped to ask a question or offered a greeting, such as "howdy" (common Oregon greeting) or "hello", they looked at you as if you had three heads and were going to rob them or worse, steal their parking spot. Either way, they were extremely annoyed that you "bothered them" and made it known. However, since then, I have changed my mind and have met some wonderful people here (you just have to get to know them and they have to get to know you too). There are still alot of a**holes too, but they are fewer in number than I had originally thought. They are still not very open to "tourists" and I have to admit that, I too, often find tourists very annoying (comes from living in Salem during tourist season). But I do try to maintain some of my original "Oregon" upbringing and remain "reasonably friendly" towards visitors here. However, I do take great pleasure in getting tourists lost a least a few times each tourist season as a payback for traffic jams, no available parking, and dodging them while they wander out into the street looking skyward pointing at who-knows-what or their face buried in a map or a cell phone.
With this in mind, I am happy to bring you these Boston observations... and yes, if you come here for a visit or to live here... you will see that these are very true, and humorous, typical Bostonian approaches to life and driving. Some of them are "dated" but still seem to hold some truth to them. ...MoonDragon's Owner, Leather.
TownOnline.com - Northshore Sunday: Driving In Circles (An Article About Rotaries)
(This article has been removed, but I have written the newspaper to see if I can obtain it from them to repost. I have received no response.)
WHO TAUGHT YOU TO DRIVE?
Driving in circles
Because they're dangerous, rotaries are no longer being built. Roundabouts are usually just one lane wide, so drivers can't weave between inside and outside lanes or get passed by more aggressive drivers.
By Peter DeMarco
|August 3, 2006|
"So, who invented the rotary?" I asked E. Pagitsas, manager of traffic analysis and design for the Boston Metropolitan Planning Organization. "And exactly how was he put to death?"
Pagitsas chuckled at the question, but she knew what I was talking about. We all know what I'm talking about: Choose your rotary -- the Arborway in Jamaica Plain, Route 16 in
Somerville, Kosciuszko Circle in Dorchester -- and you'll find endless horror stories. Nobody slows down; nobody yields; nobody lets you exit; nobody cares.
"Very few people seem to adhere to the 'drivers in the rotary have right of way' rule," writes reader Jocelyn Hutt of Roslindale, "which makes being in the rotary almost as dangerous as trying to get in or out of the rotary."
"It's a free-for-all," gripes reader Michael Gavin of West Roxbury, "with the victor usually being the most intimidating driver."
So, how does one survive a rotary? And can you do so while still obeying the law? The law says
Most drivers know the general rules from driver education class. When entering a rotary, you're supposed to yield to cars already in the rotary. Once in the rotary, you're supposed to drive in the inside lane until approaching your exit. You then return to the outside lane and exit.
But if the rules are so simple, then why are rotaries so dangerous?
Mark Raisman, the owner of Jamaica Plain's Colonial Driving School, says drivers know the law, but just aren't courteous toward fellow motorists.
Somerville Police Chief Robert Bradley says that when a rotary is badly congested, drivers often have no choice but to butt their way into it. "You don't yield; you try to merge", he says.
Others point out that while rotaries are fairly indigenous to New England -- we adopted them from mother England -- out-of-state drivers often have no idea how to react when they encounter them, making more problems for all.
Pagitsas says the reason we have so much difficulty navigating rotaries is largely because of their poor engineering design, or, more accurately, their badly out-of-date design.
That's right, fellow Boston drivers: It might not be all our fault.
"Large rotaries allow for high-speed merges and diverges, like the circle around the Arc de Triomphe in Paris," she says. "Also something like the Concord Rotary is a pretty big rotary -- or the Sagamore Rotary. When they first designed rotaries, people were not driving at these high speeds. Or maybe they couldn't drive fast. But they do now."
Thankfully, nobody builds rotaries, also called traffic circles, anymore, Pagitsas says. Engineers instead design "roundabouts," which are essentially miniature rotaries with specific features that force drivers to behave properly.
While rotaries have multiple lanes, roundabouts are usually one lane wide, so drivers can't weave between inside and outside lanes or get out-maneuvered by more aggressive drivers.
Old rotaries have uneven traffic flows. The feeder road you're traveling on may account for 10 percent of the cars entering the rotary, but if the feeder road to your left accounts for 50 percent of the cars entering the rotary, you're going to have to muddle through a logjam.
As their modern replacements, roundabouts have more evenly distributed traffic flows, and because they're smaller -- about 60 feet across, compared with 200 feet across for a rotary -- they don't allow drivers to build up a lot of speed. Roundabouts also incorporate a concept known as deflection, which basically means that you can't make a speedy, straight line to your exit.
It all sounds so nice.
Our big, old rotaries will probably gradually disappear as road improvements are made over time, Pagitsas says. Until then, about all you can do to stay safe is keep on yielding.
Copyright 2006 Globe Newspaper Company.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE FROM BOSTON IF...
1. You have to dial the area code to call your neighbor.
2. You think crosswalks are for babies.
3. Khaki's are something you start the car with.
4. You think if someone's nice to you, they either want something or they're from out of town (and probably lost).
5. You know how to cross 4 lanes of traffic in 5 seconds.
6. If you hear someone say "pahk the cah in hahvad yahd" one more time you're going to slap them upside the head.
7. Anything past Worcester is "the middle of nowhere".
8. You are amazed when traveling out of town that people who work at McDonald's speak English.
9. You think it's not actually tailgating unless your bumper is touching the car in front of you.
10. You know that a yellow light means at least 5 more cars can get through.....
11. And that a red light means 2 more can.
12. Crown Victoria = undercover cop.
13. Subway is a fast food place. The transportation system is known as the "T", and only the "T".
14. For the cost of your house, you could own a small town in Iowa.
15. There are 6 Dunkin Donuts within 20 minutes of your house.
16. You or someone in your family has a Smart Tag.
17. When people talk about the "curse of the Bambino", you know what they're talking about (and believe in it too). The curse of the Bambino is taught in public schools.
18. You know what the blinking red light atop the Hancock Building (tower) means in the summah (summer).
19. You think of Rhode Island as the "deep south".
20. You don't think, you know that the Yankee's suck and that Steinbrenner is the devil. You refer to the New York Yankees as the Devil's Bitches or something worse.
21. You believe using a turn signal "gives away your plan to the enemy".
22. If you stay on the same road long enough, it will eventually have 3 names.
23. Someone has honked at you because you didn't peel out the second the light turned green.
24. You've honked at someone because they didn't peel out the second the light turned green.
25. All the potholes just add excitement to your driving experiences.
26. Stop signs mean slow down a little, but only if you feel like it.
27. 6 inches of snow is considered a "dusting".
28. 3 days of 90+ heat is definitely a "heat wave" and 63 degree weather is "wicked warm."
29. $15 to park is a bargain.
30. You cringe every time you hear some actor / actress try to do "the Boston accent" in a movie - if you don't have it, you're never gonna get it right, even if you were born here.
31. You can go from one side of your hometown to the other in only about 15 minutes and see at least 15 deadbeats you graduated with--- doing the exact same thing they were doing when the last time you saw them!
32. Through high school you had seen many fist fights between guys--- but more between GIRLS!!
32. The words "wicked" and "mint" were major parts of your vocabulary along with calling chocolate sprinkles at the ice cream shop "Jimmy's"!
33. You think of Philadelphia as the Midwest.
34. You think it's your God-given right to cut someone off in traffic. And then giving them the "bird" because they got in your way to begin with.
35. You think there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R's).
36. All your pets are named after Celtics, Patriots, Red Sox, or Bruins, usually hall-of-famers.
37. Just hearing the words "New York" puts you in an angry mood.
38. You don't think you have an attitude.
39. You always "bang a left" as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it.
40. Everything in town is "a five minute walk."
41. When out of town, you think the natives of the area are all whacked or we-ah-d (weird).
42. You still can't bear to watch highlights from game 6 of the 1986 World Series.
43. You have no idea what the word "compromise" means.
44. You don't realize that you walk and talk twice as fast as everyone else.
45. You're anal, neurotic, spasmodic, pessimistic and stubborn.
46. Your favorite adjective is "wicked."
47. You think 63 degree ocean water is warm.
48. You think the Kennedy's are misunderstood.
49. You know the significance of 1918.
50. You believe using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.
51. You'll know who the "cahdnal" (cardinal) is.
52. You can take the T to JP.
53. You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgater.
54. You remember when the "Fleet Center" was "The Boston Garden" and refuse to refer to it as anything BUT "the Gahden".
55. You know at least three Tony's, one Vinnie and a Frank(ie). You know at least 1 guy either named Sean, Pat, Whitey, Red, O.B. or Seamus.
56. You go to the "packy", not the "liquor store".
57. And if you're "smaht" (smart), you'll know how not to get "cahded" (carded) at the "packie" (liquor store).
58. Paranoia sets in if you can't see a Dunkin Donuts, ATM or CVS within eyeshot at all times.
59. You know how to claim your space on the T. And you know what the T is.
60. You keep an ice scraper and can of de-icer on the floor of your "cah" (car)...year round.
61. You still try to order curly fries from Burger King.
62. You know how to pronounce Worcester, Gloucester, Leiminster, Haverhill, Peabody, and Cotuit.
63. You know where the "Combat Zone" used to be and still avoid that area.
64. You don't eat dinner... you eat "suppa" (supper).
65. Pepsi, Coke, Sprite, etc. are not called "soda", they are "tonic".
66. You order iced coffee in January.
67. You can curse in Italian... only you don't say "curse" you say "sweah" (swear).
68. You don't understand the purpose of a crosswalk and therefore refuse to use them, even outside of Boston.
69. You know what candlepin bowling is.
70. You know about "Evacuation Day". Evacuation Day is a recognized holiday.
71. You have tried to drive the measured mile in less than 45 seconds.
72. You drive 45 minutes to New Hampshire to save $5 in sales tax and to buy beer on Sunday.
73. The whole "Big Dig" mess drives you nuts unless you are spooning it from Brigham's. You know what Brigham's is and it shows.
74. You've used the statement "not fa nuthin" (not for nothing) in conversation.
75. You serve bread with every meal.
76. You feel compelled to hear at least one weather report a day.
77. You've pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left. The Boston Right Turn involves a shortcut through the forecourt of a gas station.
78. You've bragged about the money you've saved at The Christmas Tree Shop.
79. You've felt compelled to run to the supermarket to buy out the store at the mere mention of a "nor'easta" weather forecast, regardless of whether you needed to buy food or not. Once there, you will stand in the checkout lane longer than it took you to fill your entire shopping cart with groceries since everyone else had the same compulsion you had.
80. When ordering coffee at a Dunkin Donuts and you ask for a regular coffee... you will automatically get a coffee with cream and two teaspoons of sugar. Regular in this case does not mean size.
81. The person driving in front of you is going 70 mph and you are cursing him for going too slow.
82. The fact that Routes 128 and 95 are pretty much the same thing doesn't confuse you.
83. When ordering a "tonic", you mean a coke...not water with bubbles.
84. You can navigate a rotary without a problem. (I call rotaries "suicide circles")
85. You almost feel insulted when someone doesn't flip you off when you cut them off, or steal their parking space, etc.
86. You know that there are two Bulger brothers (both are crooks...but, you know there are two).
87. You have been to Fenway Park.
88. You knew that there was no chance in Hell that the Patriots would move to Hartford (Ha! Ha!).
89. You laugh at all of the other states in New England.
90. You know of at least one diner or food vendor to get something to eat after last call.
91. You can actually find your way around Boston (in spite of the Big Dig!).
92. You have actually spent at least 1 weekend at UMass.
93. Colleges are used as landmarks for directions (i.e., Go past MIT until you hit Harvard. Take a right and go past Lesley. Keep going until you get to Tufts [actual directions]).
94. You think the rest of the country owes you for having things like Thanksgiving and independence.
95. As a kid you laughed at the kids down south who never got to have "snow days".
96. You think the rest of the world needs to drive more like you.
97. "The Beanpot" is a hockey tournament, not a serving container.
98. You take great pride in "Cheers" (famous TV sitcom and real commercial establishment in downtown Boston).
99. You can recognize a Revere girl simply by looking at her hair.
100. You know exactly where you were when Buckner missed the ball.
101. You know that there is a bigger difference between Roxbury and West Roxbury than just a direction.
102. Somebody calls you a Masshole and you take it as a compliment.
103. You understand why Massachusetts is called "Taxachusetts".
104. You do not recognize the letter "R" as a part of speech.
ONLY MASSACHUSETTS FOLKS WOULD UNDERSTAND
Submitted By Mass Native, Richard Swiniuch - October 2007
1. The Red Sox World Series win was, and will always be,one of the greatest moments in your life.
2. The guy driving in front of you is going 70 mph and you're swearing at him for going too slow.
3. When ordering a tonic, you mean a Coke.
4. You went to Canobie Lake Park or Water Country as a kid.
5. You actually enjoy driving around rotaries.
6. You do not recognize the letter 'R' as a part of the English language.
7. Your social security number starts with a zero (so does your zip code - Salem is 01970).
8. You can actually find your way around the streets of Boston.
9. You know what a 'regular' coffee is.
10. You keep an ice scraper in your car year-round.
11. You can tell the difference between a Revere accent and a Dorchester accent.
12. Springfield is located 'way out west.'
13. You almost feel disappointed if someone doesn't flip you the bird when you cut them off or steal their parking space.
14. You know how to pronounce the names of towns like Worcester, Billerica, Gloucester, Peabody and Haverhill.
15. Anyone you don't know is a potential idiot until proven otherwise.
16. Paranoia sets in if you can't see a Dunkin Donuts or CVS Pharmacy within eyeshot at all times.
17. You have driven to New Hampshire on a Sunday just to buy alcohol.
18. You know how to pronounce Yastrzemski.
19. You know there's a trophy at the end of the Bean Pot.
20. You order iced coffee in January.
21. You know that the Purple Line will take you anywhere.
22. You love scorpion bowls.
23. You know what they sell at a Packie.
24. Sorry Manny, but number 24 means DEWEY EVANS.
25. You know what First Night is.
26. You know at least one guy named Sean, Pat, Whitey, Red, Bud or Seamus. Bonus: You know how to pronounce Seamus.
27. McLobster equals McCrap
28. You know at least 2 cops in your town because they were your high school drinking buddies.
29. You know there are 6 New England states, but that Connecticut really doesn't count.
30. You give incomprehensible directions to tourists, feel bad when they drive off, but then say to yourself ,'Ah, screw them.'
31. You know at least one bar where you can get something to drink after last call.
32. You hate the Kennedys, but you vote for them anyway.
33. You know holding onto the railing when riding the Green Line is not optional.
34. The numbers '78 and '86 make you cringe.
35. You've been to Goodtimes
36. You think the rest of the country owes you for Thanksgiving and Independence Day. (...and they DO).
37. You have never actually been to 'Cheers.'
38. The words ' WICKED' and 'GOOD' go together.
39. You' ve been to Fenway Park.
40. You've gone to at least one party at U Mass.
41. You own a 'Yankees Suck' shirt or hat.
42. You know what a Frappe is.
43. You've been to Hempfest.
44. You know who Frank Averuch is.
45. ADVANCED: You know Frank Averuch was once Bozo the Clown
46. You can complete the following: 'Lynn, Lynn ......'
47. You get pissed off when a restaurant serves clam chowder, and it turns out to be friggin' Snows.
48. You actually know how to merge from six lanes of traffic down to one.
49. The TV weatherman is damn good if he's right 25-percent of the time.
50. You never go to Cape Cod,' you go 'down the Cape '.
51. You think that Roger Clemens and Johnny Damon are more evil than Whitey Bulger.
52. You know who Whitey Bulger is.
53. You went to the Swan Boats, House of Seven Gables, or Plymouth Plantation on a field trip in elementary school.
54. Bobby Orr is loved as much as Larry Bird, Tom Brady, and Ted Williams.
55. You remember Major Mudd.
56. You know what candlepin bowling is.
57. You can drive from the mountains to the ocean all in one day.
58. You know Scollay Square once stood where Government Center is.
59. When you were a kid, Rex Trailer was the coolest guy around. Speaking of which.... You can still hum the song from the end of Boom Town.
61. Calling Carrabba's an 'Italian' restaurant is sacrilege.
62. You still have your old Flexible Flyer somewhere in your parents' attic.
63. You know that the Mass Pike is some sort of strange weather dividing line (along with the 495 and 128 highways).
64. The only time you've been on the Freedom Trail is when relatives are in town.
65. The Big Dig tunnel disaster wasn't a surprise.
66. You call guys you've just met 'Chief' or 'Boss.'
67. 4:15 pm and pitch black out means only 3 more shopping days until Christmas.
68. You know more than one person with the last name Murphy.
69. You refer to Savin Hill as 'Stab 'n Kill.'
70. You've never eaten at Durgin Park, but recommend it to tourists.
71. You can't look at the zip code 02134 without singing it.
72. You voted for a Republican Mormon as Governor (Romney) just to screw with the rest of the country.
73 . 11 pm? Drunk? It means one thing: Kowloons!
74. 2 am? Drunk? It means one thing: Kelly's Roast Beef! The one on Revere Beach not the one on Route 1.
75. 5 am? Drunk? It means one thing: You wish you had a blanket in your back seat.
76. You know that P-Town isn't the name of a new rap group.
77. People you don't like are all 'Bastids.'
78. You took off school or work for the Patriots first Super Bowl Win Parade.
79. You've called something 'wicked pissa.'
80. You'll always get razzed for Dukakis.
81. Saturday afternoons meant Creature Double Feature with Dale Dorman.
82. Sunday mornings meant the Three Stooges on Channel 38.
83. You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgater.
84. No, you don't trust the Gorton's Fisherman.
85. You know that Papa Gino's usually has a jukebox.
86. You think Aerosmith is the greatest rock band of all time.
87. Your town has at least 6 pizza and roast beef shops.
88. You know at least three Tony's, one Vinnie and a Frankie.
89. 20 degrees is downright balmy as long as there's no wind- then it gets wicked cold.
90. You were very sad when saying goodbye to the Boston Garden.
91. Thanksgiving means family, turkey, High School football, and the long version of Alice's Restaurant.
92. You know the guy who founded the Boston Pops was named Athah Feedlah.
93. You know what the Combat Zone is.
94. You actually drive 45 minutes to New Hampshire to save $5 in sales tax.
95. You've pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left.
96. You've bragged about the money you've saved at The Christmas Tree Shop.
97. You've been to Hampton Beach on a Saturday night.
98. Playing street hockey was a daily after school ritual.
99. Hearing an old lady shout 'Numbah 96 for Sioux City !' means it's time for steak.
100. You remember Jordan Marsh, Filene's, Grants, Bradlees, Caldor, Zayres, or Ann & Hope.
101. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Massachusetts.
REDNECK OBSERVATIONS ABOUT NEW ENGLAND
Here are some more observations made by the famous (or should I say, the infamous) redneck comic, Jeff Foxworthy, about New England...(This was sent to me in an email from a local friend.)
- If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping it will swim by, you might live in New England.
- If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Mt. Washington is the coldest spot in the nation, and Boston gets more snow than any other major city in the US, you live in New England.
- If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in New England.
- If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you live in New England.
- If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you live in New England.
- If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England.
- If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A NEW ENGLANDER WHEN:
- "Vacation" means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend. You measure distance in hours.
- You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
- You have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day, and back again.
- You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.
- You install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked.
- You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend / wife knows how to use them.
- You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
- You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.
- Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
- "Down South" to you means Philadelphia.
- Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new shed.
- Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
- You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
- You find 10 degrees "a little chilly."
- You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your New England friends.
Thank you Jeff for your interesting observations. I enjoy your comic "Redneck" shows along with your other friends in your "Blue Collar Tours." I can relate to them since I come from a long line of "Rednecks" (which I hate to admit to anyone!).
HEREWITH, A SURVIVAL GUIDE TO "BAWSTIN" (Boston):
How Bostonians "tok" (talk):
They don't speak English. They speak "whateva" (whatever) they brought over here from East Anglia in 1630. The "Bawstin" (Boston) accent is basically the broad A and the dropped R, which they add to words ending in A - "pahster" (pasta), "Cuber" (Cuba), "soder" (soda). For the broad A, just open your mouth and say "ah," like the "doctah" says.
So car is "cah", park is "pahk". If you want to talk like the "mayah" (mayor), repeat after me: "My ahnt takes her bahth at hahpast foah" (my aunt takes her bath at half-past four).
WHEN WE SAY ________ WE MEAN...
Bizah / Bzah - odd, bizarre
Flahwiz - flowers, roses, etc.
Hahpahst - minutes after the hour
Hahwahya? - how are you?
Khakis - what we "staht the cah" with
Pissah - superb
Retahded - silly
Shewah / Shuah - of course
Wikkid - extremely
Yiz - you, plural
Popcahn - popular snack
HOW WE'LL KNOW YOU WEREN'T "BON HEAH" (Born Here)
- You wear a Harvard sweatshirt.
- You cross at a crosswalk and you observe the "walk" and "do not walk" signals.
- You ask directions to "Cheers."
- You order a grinder and a soda.
- You follow soccer.
- You eat at Durgin Park.
- You pronounce it "Worchester" or "Glouchester."
- You call it "COPELY" square.
- You go to BU.
- You walk the Freedom Trail.
- Frappes have ice cream; milk shakes don't.
- Boston cream pie is a cake.
- Chowdah does not come with tomatoes.
- If it's fizzy and flavored, it's "tonic". Soda is club soda. Pop is dad. When we mean tonic WATER, they say tonic WATER.
- The smallest beer is a pint.
- "Scrod" is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish. If you paid more than $6 a pound, you got "scrod".
- It's not a water fountain, it's a "bubblah".
- It's not a trash can, it's a "barrel".
- It's not a shopping cart, it's a "carriage".
- It's not a purse, it's a "pockabook".
- "Brown bread" comes in a can. You open both ends, push it out, heat it and eat it with baked beans.
- They're not franks, they're "haht dahgs" (hot dogs). Franks were people who lived in France in the 9th century and are money in France.
Pete Sir = Most say pizza
Otch = A tourist attraction in St. Louis
Cotton = You buy milk in it (carton)
Seen Ya = Last year of school
Holly = An excellent motorcycle
Bikah = A Biker
Budded Con = Corn on the cob with butter
Bonnie = A purple dinosaur you probably detest
Ah = Letter between q and s
He Has A Cap On = He has a fish on his head
Lodge = Opposite of small (large)
Bulkie = Sandwich bun
Bah Rum = Bar room
Wicked Boah = A not-so-interesting person
Southie = Someone from South Boston
Ba Ba = He cuts your hair
Bub Bluh = Water fountain to most
Awed = Opposite of even
Ann Tenor = Transmits radio waves to your car
Khakis = Start your car with them
Pita is a Cheetah = Peter cheated on this test
Spa = Ma and Pa convenience store
Seltz = Our basketball team
Directional = Car's blinkers / turn signals
The Hub = The world revolves around here
Had = Opposite of soft
Tea Potty = Precursor to American Revolution
Clabbids = Wood boards that cover many houses here
Lemon Stir = Leominster, Mass
Low Gin = Logan Airport
Match = Month between Feb and April
Foddy Doll Us = $39.99 plus one cent
How Ah Ya? = Boston Greeting
Have Id = Our famous University
Hoodsie = Small cup of ice cream
Wicked Spooney = Something very cool
Pots = Pieces to your kids toys
Packy = Buy liquor or 6 pack there
Boy Gawd = By God
Frappe = Milkshake to most
Had Licka = Gets you drunk fast
Spooky = Italian sub sandwich (from spucadella)
THINGS NOT TO DO WHEN IN BOSTON
Don't call it Beantown.
Don't "pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd". They'll tow it to "Meffa" (Medford) or "Slumaville" or the "Ville" (Sommerville).
Don't swim in the Charles, no matter what Bill Weld tells you.
Don't call the may-ah "Mumbles." He hates that, and will tell you not to be an "alcatraz around his neck".
Don't sleep in the "Common".
Don't wear orange in "Southie" on St. Patrick's Day (you may be killed).
Don't ask what she's majoring in. You don't care.
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT BOSTON
There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses and two Hancock buildings (one old, one new).
There's also a Boston Latin School and a Boston Latin Academy. How should we know which one you mean when you say "Boston Latin"??
Route 128 is also I-95. It is also I-93. When 128 is also I-93, you're heading both North and South at the same time.
It's the Sox, The Pats (or Patsies if they're losing), the Seltz, the Broons.
The Harvard Bridge goes to MIT, not to Harvard. It's measured in "smoots", which is the length of a certain Computer Science student at MIT.
Johnson never should have hit for Willoughby.
The underground train is not the subway. It's the T and it doesn't run all night (fah chrysakes, this ain't Noo Yawk).
GETTING AROUND THE BOSTON AREA
Boston is a mish-mash of 17th-century cow paths and 19th-century landfill penned in by water. You know, "One if by land, two if by sea."
Charlestown? "Cahn't get theyah from heah". And which Warren Street do you want? We have three plus three Warren Avenues, three Warren Squares, a Warren Park, and a Warren Place.
Pay no attention to the street names. There's no school on School Street, no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock Square, no water on Water Street.
Back Bay streets are in alphabetical "odda" (order). Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth, Exeter, Fairfield, and Gloucester. So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D.
If the streets are named after trees (Walnut, Chestnut, Cedah [Cedar]), you're on Beacon Hill. If they're named after poets, you're in Wellesley.
All avenues are properly referenced by their nicknames: Comm Ave, Mass Ave, Dot Ave.
Dot is Dorchester, Rozzie is Roslindale, JP is Jamaica Plain. Readville doesn't exist.
THE NORTH-EAST-SOUTH-WEST THING
Southie is South Boston. The South End is the South End. Eastie is East Boston. The North End is east of the West End. The East End is Boston Harbor.
The West End and Scollay Square are no more - a guy named Rappaport got rid of them one night.
The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South Boston, which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. Backbay was filled in years ago.
BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN BOSTON
(Subject to change at any time):
When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass.
Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.
Double-park in the North End of Boston, unless triple-parking is available.
Learn to swerve abruptly. Boston is the home of slalom driving, thanks to the Registry of Motor Vehicles, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork.
Always look both ways when running a red light.
Honk your horn the instant the light changes.
Breakdown lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during rush hour. Breakdown lanes may also end without warning causing traffic jams as people merge back in.
Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in. Why give them the upper hand?
Making eye contact revokes your right of way.
Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps in the road, speed up loudly and chase him back up on the curb. Peds (pedestrians) have no rights.
The goal of the Boston driver is not to arrive first at their destination. It is to do their part in making the driving experience as challenging as possible for the other drivers, however much it may slow their own commute. This is illustrated by those who come to a complete and total stop, and wait for three clear lanes of traffic, when the turn they are making feeds into a dedicated lane nobody else can use anyway. Note that they do not do this unless there is someone waiting behind them.
Note the number one classic technique, the "Mass Pullout". When pulling into traffic on a busy, undivided, two-way, four-to-eight lane street from a parking lot or stop sign, it is simply not acceptable to wait for all lanes of traffic to empty in order to make a smooth entry onto the roadway. This could slow one down as much as 30 to 40 seconds. Life-threatening behavior is clearly justified to avoid the delay. Take it one lane at a time. When the lane directly in front of you is free, pull into it, perpendicular to traffic, and stop. Repeat until you have blocked all lanes in both directions. Then, slowly turn into the direction of choice, re-crossing as many lanes as possible. Straddle any two lanes of choice and proceed at 20-percent of the posted speed limit until you are passed angrily by one of the people you cut off. Then tailgate them no matter what speed they go, since the incident was obviously their fault.
Massachusetts invented the traffic rotary. Most Boston techniques apply here, but remember several special rules when negotiating a rotary:
1 - Proceed into the rotary regardless of who may already be in that lane, pausing first only if there is no one in front of you and several people behind you.
2 - Proceed directly to the middlemost lane in preparation for abruptly crossing the maximum number of lanes when exiting.
3 - If you want to exit the rotary from the inner "fast" lane and are uncomfortable about doing so, simply stop your car. This will cause other people to stop and try to pass you, effectively clearing the lane to your right, allowing you to pull into it at your leisure.
4 - Remember that only YOU have the right of way in any rotary.
Misplace your Mass Turnpike ticket, and don't look for it until you are stopped at the toll booth. Never carry exact change, it's considered rude. Never pull into the toll lane you appear to have selected. Always veer two or three lanes to one side or another at the last minute for no apparent reason. Once you have reached the toll booth, ask for directions, even if you're not lost. Repeat them back several times. Do NOT follow the directions you are given.
If you are driving a rental car, conceal that fact using "WBCN-The ROCK of Boston" bumper stickers, lest to be identified as a "%@#!* tourist", which would result in a feeding frenzy and your certain annihilation.
Never park at meters. Meters run out and you will get a ticket. Simply double park next to the empty space, thereby saving not only a parking ticket, but the meter change as well.
Don't be fooled by the lines on the road. If there is almost enough room for two cars-- move over, it's two lanes.
Never put on your signal in anticipation of a turn. Signals are to be used to let other drivers know what you have just done. Always wait until you are well into the turn before signalling.
Never, never look for street signs. If you do find one, it is probably turned around or mislabeled.
When asking for directions, always ask the person to spell out the name of the street since you will not recognize it from their pronunciation.
Directions such as turn left, turn right, or go straight, are almost always useless since every intersection in Boston must have at least 5 points, none of which are left, right, or straight.
If you miss your turn, never plan on circling the next block to get back. No two blocks in Boston are parallel and the one-way streets will always be in the opposite direction of where you need to go, making you go several blocks out of your way to "circle" the block. Highway center dividers also make you go way out of your way if you miss your turn or if the place you need to go is on the opposite side of the road and you need to find an intersection where you are "allowed" to legally make a U-Turn.
If you are a pedestrian, size up the traffic flow and find spots where you can dart in between cars to get across several lanes of traffic. Don't worry that you are crossing against the light. If any startled driver stops when you jump out inches from his car, be sure to give him a dirty look because now he has messed up your traffic pattern.
Put away the street maps-- they won't help. Follow your nose and you'll have better luck.
Don't forget-- the expression "You can't get there from here" originated in Boston.
A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Massachusetts driver never uses them. Use of them in Boston may be illegal.
Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by someone else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-changing is considered "going with the flow". (Also known as a "California Lane Change"... they adopted it from here, but its illegal there.)
The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. Massachusetts is a no-fault insurance state and the other driver has nothing to lose.
Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the backup.
The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Massachusetts look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the State Police Radar car parked on the median.
Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Mass driver flashing his high beams or honking his horn doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
Please remember that Massachusetts is the Bay State, named so for a reason. Try to stay on the road.
Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even if someone is changing a tire.
Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape and gives "Adopt-a-Highway"Crews something to clean up.
It is assumed that State Police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes in your travel.
It is traditional in Massachusetts to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way, except in Boston where it acts as an invitation to duel or play chicken.
Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding. In Maine it is allowed to stop and then decide which direction to turn.
Remember that the goal of every Massachusetts driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
Real Massachusetts female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup and balance the checkbook at 75 miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
Right turn on Red. This co-opts all other operating signals at an intersection. Thus your red light means you may legally cut off a driver proceeding on a green light. Although the law says you must stop first and then proceed, this is a rather archaic interpretation of the law, and most experienced Massachusetts drivers know stopping or even moving a foot in the direction of the brake pedal is not really required. Pedestrians in a cross walk at such an intersection are there at their own risk. No turn on Red signs may be ignored at the driver's choice (except if there is someone behind him....in such case a turn MUST be made).
Passing on the right. Passing on the right used to be permitted ONLY on a 6 lane divided highway. However the law has be slackened to permit passing on the right at any and all opportunities. In fact it is encouraged. A motorist should always try to pass on the right if the vehicle ahead of him in the same travel lane has his directional on indicating a right hand turn.
Right on red is an archaic rule because invariably the first person in line in the right lane is just trying to pass on the right and has no interest in turning right.
When in doubt...FLOOR IT!
Right of way in the rotary belongs to the person with the junkiest car.
Driving drunk isn't called a D.U.I.... It is called a "Ted Kennedy".
It is the right of way, and fully expected, to make a left turn the second the light turns green, and for the next 2 or 3 cars to do the same, blocking the oncoming traffic from flowing through. It would be absurd to wait until a break in traffic to make a turn, afterall, we don't have all day.
If you see a yellow light on the stoplight ahead, don't slow down. Instead, floor it so that you don't get caught when it turns red.
Notice that if a Mass driver goes through a stop sign, he is likely to stop in the middle of the intersection and then go.
At any red light, regardless of how many lanes are in the road, there is always a secret, imaginary lane on the right created by drivers who just want to turn right on red without waiting for the people in front of them who aren't turning. It is always encouraged to make your own lane on the right (in the shoulder) whenever possible, and whenever turning right. This also includes roads that have a right turn only lane if the person in that lane isn't moving when the light is red.
Just adding on to the 'passing-on-the-right-rule': It is considered uncool if your action DOES NOT include tearing up some poor soul's front lawn, knocking down their mail box, and scraping the left rear bumper of the car in front of you at 60 mph as you pass.
Whenever passing the person in front of you, slam on the gas pedal and drive until you are two inches from their bumper. Keep tailgating them until you (or they) get really annoyed. In less than one second, flip on your directional and swerve into the other lane.
Never yield the right of way to emergency vehicles, they should never have caught up with you in the first place!!
When a light at a backed up intersection turns yellow, rush into the intersection. Because the law states that it is legal to enter an intersection before the light turns red, you should always do so, even if that prevents all cross traffic from moving. This rule especially applies in downtown during rush hour.
On a three lane highway in Massachusetts, it is the middle lane (not the right under any circumstances) that is reserved for traveling and minding your own business. The left lane is for passing these middle lane slowpokes. The right lane is for passing the people who are too slow to be passing the middle laners; it is also for people who are gutsy enough to enter or exit the highway. To add to the sport of this, trucks are not allowed to be in the left lane. They will let you know they wish to go faster by driving approximately 2 inches from your rear bumper.
Each car in Massachusetts should be considered to have a "This Vehicle Makes Sudden Stops" sign on the back. This is to allow for those sympathetic drivers who come to a complete stop on major routes to let other drivers into traffic.
In Worcester, in particular, there is a rule never seen elsewhere. This rule is the ability to turn left on red. It occurs at nine intersections in the city.
Directionals should be extras on most cars. Yield signs do nothing but confuse people, who undoubtedly do not understand the meaning of the word.
When you are in a rotary, and you come to a stop, you are going to get hit.
In Massachusetts, it is perfectly normal when pulling out into traffic from a side street or parking lot to wait until the vehicle coming upon you from down the road is just about to pass you, then slam on your gas pedal, pull out suddenly in front of the other vehicle and then jam on your brakes as you approach the traffic backup ahead. This causes the other driver to perform a much needed test on his brakes, the tread on his tires as well as his reflexes! The sound of the other car coming to a screeching halt, as well as the smell of melted rubber smoking off the pavement means that you have passed this well known MASS driving maneuver! Never pull out in front of another vehicle if there is more than a few feet of space between you and that other car. It's a waste! Why keep other drivers so far behind of your beautifully banged up bumper? If they fall too far behind, how can they possibly admire your "AAA of Southern New England" sticker in the back window as well as the microscopic serial number engraved on your licence plate?
When merging onto the highway when it's bumper to bumper traffic it is customary to speed down the road in the brake down lane passing all the poor bastards beside you, only until the brake down lane runs out. Then, cut into a 3-inch space in between two cars sticking your car sideways in between them preventing them from even thinking about edging up until the traffic starts moving again. Expect the person in the car that you cut in front of to honk at you and swear at you out their window. Even though their car hadn't moved even an inch in the hour they had been sitting at a stand still in traffic, that doesn't mean that YOU didn't cause them to be .00000000001 seconds late getting to their destination! The driving in the brake down lane also applies if you are in bumper to bumper traffic and you "don't feel like" waiting for the cars in front of you to get the hell out of the way. Then you can speed down the brake down lane to get off at your exit which is only 2 miles away. Or you can do this in order to gain a better spot in the traffic. Remember, they HAVE to let you in! Nobody wants to pay their Massachusetts car insurance company the $1,000 deductible!
While traveling through Kelly Square, in Worcester, keep in mind that everyone has the right of way.
Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are Nature's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
Never brush or shovel the snow off the top of your car. On the highway, this snow creates an effective "smoke screen" to block people's vision.
MORE ABOUT DRIVING IN BOSTON
In Article 2275 of rec.humor.funny, J. Bologna gave the basic rules for driving in Boston. But those rules sound as if they were made up by a tourist. A real Boston driver knows that there is only one rule:
"Never let the other guy know you see him."
Bologna's rule about looking both ways before crossing on a green light violates the prime directive. A real Boston driver stares straight ahead and pretends to have glaucoma. A true pro would really have glaucoma.
Yet Boston is only exciting for American drivers. Paris and Rome are much more exciting. But very few places can beat Cairo. When your side of the road is divided into three lanes by two dotted lines, standard practice in Cairo is for two drivers to straddle each of the two lines. That gives each driver maximum flexibility in light traffic (which never occurs). In heavy traffic (the normal case), that increases the road capacity by allowing 5 cars to drive abreast.
But those who want to perfect their driving technique should go to India. A friend of mine, Frank Anshen, went to a linguistics conference in New Delhi and took a taxi from the airport. As in New York City, Indian taxi drivers are normally Sikhs, who wear a large turban. As they were driving from the airport, the taxi driver kept his head turned to the back seat while carrying on a running conversation with his passenger. Meanwhile, Frank's knuckles were turning white from gripping the seat and the door handle, as they careened around winding mountain roads and stormed through villages with cows, chickens, and people scattering in all directions.
At one point, the driver said "We Sikhs are the best drivers in the world." "Do you know why," he asked, "We Sikhs are the best drivers in the world?" "N-n-no," Frank stammered, "Why are Sikhs the best drivers in the world." "Because," the driver answered, "we Sikhs are not afraid to die!"
SHARK FISHING (The Bostonian Way)
On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the "Pope mobile" when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.
A helpless man, wearing a New York Yankee's jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.
As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Boston Red Sox jerseys aboard.
One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Yankee fan from the water. Then using baseball bats, the three heroes in red beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat also.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Red Sox and Yankee fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing.... how's the bait holding up?"
WELCOME TO BOSTON
By Brian Eule
Published: Tuesday, September 4, 2001
The Harbus (Harvard Business School)
They keep honking at me. I'm staring out of my empty apartment above Mass and Tremont, and they keep honking at me. I'm walking on some street with restaurants and hotels, shops, and realtors, and they keep honking at me. I cross the street and someone calls me a moron. And they honk at me.
I'm not sure who "they" are, but I have a feeling that they are the same people who keep calling Mark - the realtor who found me this apartment - "Mock." I have a feeling that they are the same people who tell the passengers on the T to stay clear of the "steers." "Don't stand by the steers," they say. "Get out of the steers so that others can board."
I've been out here about two weeks now, fresh out of college, a transplant from California, and I am learning some things about the East Coast, about Boston, about living in the city.
This town has youth. It has diversity. But, while it may not be as crazed as New York City, it is certainly still an adjustment for those of us that have not lived in the heart of a city. So, here are a few quick pieces of advice to the first-year student, adjusting to the ways of Boston, from one who is learning as he goes:
Before you learn anything else, know that you should root for the Red Sox. Even if you don't like baseball, do this with all of your heart. It will make you feel like a real Bostonian. They all do it. Mention Nomar. Don't say his last name. Don't pronounce the last letter in his first name. You'll have something to talk about with just about anybody. These people really love their team. There are no better fans in the country. But don't worry, you aren't jumping on the bandwagon. There is no bandwagon to jump on. After all, the Sox always seem to fall second to the hated Yankees. And if, for some reason that changes this year, well, then you are the reason. You are the good luck charm. You have reversed the curse of the Bambino. You must never leave Boston.
Don't worry about getting warm clothes. The weather's been great these last two weeks. I don't know what all these people were warning me about. Scarves and beanies -- who needs them? And they thought a California kid wouldn't survive.
Go in search of the free music. It's there, you just have to look for it. Or listen for it. You just have to listen for it. But looking and listening at the same time, man, I bet that would really increase your odds.
Go to the restaurant at the top of the Prudential Building to see the spectacular view of the city. Then, when you see the spectacular view of the prices, say "just kidding" and run to the elevator before they can seat you.
Finally, don't take the newer-looking trains on the green line. Just trust me on this one.
Welcome to Boston. Hope you bring the Red Sox some luck. Now keep it down, ya moron.
—Brian Eule is a freelance writer living in Boston.
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