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MoonDragon's Realm - Parenting Humor


Date: Monday, December 02 @ 10:34:43 EST
Topic: Daddy Dearest

Note: As a advocate of natural childbirth, a homebirth midwife and for the health and well being of both the laboring mother and her baby, I do not support the use of drugs during labor and birth except under very specific situations... However, after reading this humorous presentation about drugs for fathers, this I would support... however, I have not lost a father yet, although it was a close call a few times. :-D ...MoonDragon Midwife

I noticed one thing right away when my kids were born. The doctors paid way more attention to my wife, Jan, than they ever did to me. Doctors and nurses were running in and out, making sure her blood pressure was OK, her heart rate was steady, and the muscle relaxers were working. The anesthesiologist stopped by every 20 to 30 minutes to make sure the epidural was taking effect, and that Jan wasn't in too much pain. In fact, Jan was getting enough drugs to keep the Rolling Stones supplied for a year. All I got was dirty looks from the nurses, as if I were somehow responsible for my wife's painful predicament. Frankly, I was feeling a little neglected. After all, Jan only had to deliver the baby; I had to watch it.

Having a baby is no picnic for dads. The dad has to deal with indifferent doctors, hostile nurses, and an alternately homicidal and terrified wife. All this must be faced without the type of helpful drugs that are so freely being pumped into the mom. It's time the pharmaceutical industry addressed this inequity. I have included a few suggestions.

Most men who have not been to war are unprepared for the blood and gore of childbirth. Guys go into the delivery room thinking that a beautiful Gerber, baby is going to suddenly pop out of their wife, the same way a gumball rolls out of the machine at the grocery store. If the gumballs came halfway out, all slimy and bloody, and you had to pull them out the rest of the way with giant salad tongs, very few people would be inserting that first nickel.

This is the basic situation faced by the dad. Naturally, drugs would help. That's where Ignorex comes in. Ignorex relaxes the dad's muscles and mind to the point that nothing can faze him. My uncle Mike, who is no novice to childbirth (he is the father of 11 children), once nearly passed out because he did not have access to Ignorex. Fortunately, an alert nurse noticed him before he hit the floor, and yelled out, "We're losing the dad!"

Women are basically kind creatures. But like many wounded animals, they will sometimes lash out at any convenient target, both physically and verbally. Most men know enough to stand at least an arms length away during delivery, but that doesn't help with the verbal abuse. Abuzol goes directly to the man's abuse receptors and chemically incapacitates them for up to four hours. This allows the dad to take anything the angry mom can dish out.

Mom: "This is all your fault! I'm going to strangle you with the umbilical cord!"

Dad: "That's nice, dear. I love you too."

Mom: "Did you hear me, you moron! You're a dead man!! A DEAD MAN!!!"

Dad: "You sure look beautiful when you're threatening to kill me."

Dad's are sometimes their own worst enemies during childbirth, because they say insensitive and downright stupid things. About five minutes before their daughter was born, my friend Kevin asked his wife, "It doesn't really hurt that much, does it?" Of course, his wife immediately took his hand, stuck his finger in her mouth, and gave him a scar he still carries to this day. This whole tragedy could have been avoided if Kevin had been administered Stupidan when he entered the hospital.

Stupidan is an inhalant that enters the man's brain and goes directly to the speech center. It works as a sort of stupidity inhibitor. Anytime the man forms the impulse to say something stupid (in other words, most of the time), Stupidan would block that impulse and cause him to say something like, "Gee, you look beautiful" or "I love you more at this moment than at any other time." Actually, most men would do well to develop an addiction to Stupidan.

Unfortunately, it's too late for me. But I certainly hope, for my son's sake, that the pharmaceutical companies will develop these valuable new drugs.

Brad Phillips welcomes any comments or stories from his readers.

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